Stop yourself....

When you feel like you want to:

Complain about how fat you are when you're a size 4- STOP YOURSELF

Blog about Blogging, and your private/non private status: STOP YOURSELF

Complain about your creditors on Facebook: STOP YOURSELF

Wear anything with CARGO in the description: STOP YOURSELF

Send your kids to a modeling agency: STOP YOURSELF

Re-gift someone: STOP YOURSELF

Blog your testimony: STOP YOURSELF!!!!!!

Target and Vagina: the makings of a great story

Meet my favorite "Mommy Blogger" and brilliant writer Rebecca Wolf.

Now please follow the link if you are prepared to hear the best Vagina/Target story ever.

Left me in tears and giggling for hours.

www.girlsgonechild.net/

The post is called "Blogging Out Loud"

Props Rebecca, props.

kegels

I peed MORE than "a little" today during my workout. Damned jumping jacks and childbirth.

Footloose....

Igot to church about 8 minutes late today. I decided that it would be RUDE to enter the room, and that it would probably be more polite for me to sit on the nice comfy sofa in the foyer....

WE had a recently returned missionary speak, and then a high councilman.....who sounded EXACTLY like WREN!!!

I couldn't pay attention (what's new) because I was thinking about the awesome scene with the city council where Wren cites scriptures from the Bible.....

THERE IS a time to DANCE.

I love Church.

And, there's no high school musical like THIS high school musical...

The 'Spiritual' voice

I can remember being a little kid and getting screamed at for stuff. Stuff that was certifiably scream-able. I don't blame my Mom for screaming, and I actually think it was good to see her get mad every now and then. Otherwise Mom's would just be pushovers, right? You gotta know where the line is. I can also remember how flawlessly that voice would go from horrifying to pleasantly humble in a matter of milliseconds when the phone rang, or some poor soul would come to the door. It's a transformation I've been trying to master, but so far I've failed miserably. I've noticed that if I have just spent the last ten minutes in fury at my family, that I am equally unpleasant if I answer the door or phone. I'm basically just pure in emotion all the time, and you get what I am- no smoke, no mirrors. I've started to think that maybe there's more behind a voice that I thought. Maybe it's the nice-voiced people that are really the dangerous ones.

I have started to notice that there are lots of difference kinds of voices. The worst of those being the ones that have adapted from a regular speaking voice into the 'Spiritual' voice. Everybody knows at least one. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a bad dream surrounded by inhuman smile-painted-on women. WAKE ME UP!!! Seriously though.

Without going into too much detail- I know this girl. She and I have MANY differences. One BLATANTLY obvious one is that I have a regular voice, and everything she says comes out oozing in sweetness, softness, and is irritatingly sing-song-y. So, why.....WHY, when she is clearly a very nice person, does she irritate me so badly?

Because. Her 'SPIRITUAL' voice does not hide the fact that she is clearly a self-righteous, judging, snotty pants. Just because you say it NICELY doesn't mean that what your saying isn't totally LAME!!! And guess what, it doesn't matter how sweet you pretend to be on the outside, and how quiet and nice you squeak out words- the truth is, there are good people in the world that talk normally, and don't wear bows in their hair (in their 20's!!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sick of this double standard. I'm done with the 'SPIRITUALLY' voice-ed people getting away with being jerks and saying totally rude things all the time, and never taking the responsibility for it just because they said it softly, and with insincere concern. I'd rather have somebody bluntly tell me whatever needs to be said in a regular voice.

The Creep

Creeps ALWAYS drive in BLUE cars.

You know it's TRUE.

Poopy Doopy

There's something about:

Institutional Buildings

and

Big Box Retail Stores

that really makes me

have to

POOP.



I can't explain it.

Can you?

Wedding Photos

So I was helping my friend with her baby while she took our friend's wedding photos on Saturday, and it was honestly a blast! While making sure she got in all the shots the couple and couple's parents really wanted, the bride's brother mentioned sunglasses... She actually said to her now-husband, "We should have brought our glasses for a "shades" shot!"

Noooooo!!!!!

Why does every couple (at least, I swear every other Mormon couple) think they need a "cool shades" shot?

This is the most formal event of your life! (Most likely, anyway...) Stick to the basics, with a creative photographer to mix it up just a bit, and let it be beautiful. You don't need to sacrifice your personality, but come on. "Cool Shades"???

Thank goodness their glasses were in their car.

(Disclaimer: The rest of the wedding was incredibly beautiful and "cool shades"-esque free.)

Caution: Do not use on eyes....

If you get really, really tired....

You might fall asleep with your makeup on....

Then you could find yourself the next morning waking up to a phone call...

walking into the bathroom, while on the wake up phone call....

and using nail polish remover to take off yesterdays eye makeup....

Only to find yourself screaming "I'm such a RETARD!!!" to the person on the phone that woke you up.....

And FLUSHing out your eyes repeatedly.....before finding the ACTUAL makeup remover.

slip-n-slide

While my father-in-law was working on our car today, he came in from the garage asking if we had any petroleum jelly. "Nope." After a discouraged look, I asked what it was for, and if there was anything else that might do the job. He went on to explain, it was to help "one part slide into another part"... Yeah, I just gave my father-in-law a dollop of KY. The worst part, though, is that I acted like it didn't embarrass me in the least bit! Right. I should have just said I didn't have any...

scandalous

Why do I feed off gossip?  I battle with the never-ending battle of whether or not to share it (the “sharing” is always more fun), I loooove hearing it, and I kind of thrive on persuading others to give it up.  (Whether or not they do is beside the point…)  I just learned something very juicy at work, and it is definitely something I should not share with ANYONE in the workplace.  Just very unprofessional and outside my privileges.  Yet I find myself dying to tell someone (which means I’ll probably just tell my husband, as he is completely removed from the situation).  I don’t really understand why gossip entrances me so.  I really admire those who are beyond-a-doubt trustworthy individuals (my aforementioned husband included).  I like to think that when it comes down to it I am pretty trustworthy, too.  But, come on!  Who doesn’t love just a little scandal?

LESS MON

LESS MON.

As opposed to MORE MON. (Mormon).

I can't take it anymore.

I love my faith, don't get me wrong. I'm just one of those people who should NOT be allowed in public. And yes, I am a contradiction in terms. I hate being judged and labeled. Now, please, read as I label and judge others.....

My ward has finally been split. Now we have 'permanent boundaries' and should be able to stay as we are without being grown into over 1000 people again. I was excited to have a regularly sized ward. I am glad that we have our new building open now, and that we can walk to church again.

It kinda sucks that SOME people are still in my ward though, and I lost my totally RAD visiting teacher. The only one I've had in 7 years. Sigh. And it Really sucks that I don't have a calling, and that I have to go to relief society. What's now 'my ward' is full of THAT kind of lady....the middle aged, ultra spiritual, singing, crying, testimony bearing, kind. You know what I mean. The whispering, glancing, labeling, and judging kind. The kind that say things to you like 'O, yes, I've heard you just had a baby, and that you work outside of the home...' hee hee hee. Like REGULAR, NORMAL people say things like that. Get a freakin day pass into the REAL WORLD lady.

It happened. It was last Sunday. Two Women. A whisper. A glance. And an invisible, silent, crass label was sent my direction....right into my eyes. Oops. They quickly looked back at each other....with the thought....'O dear, she saw us talking......about HER.' I honestly find it pretty humorous, and splendid to watch as it so predictably unfolds. It's like a celebration in stepford ignorance. I can hear the rest of what they said.....'I just feel so badly for her.....judge judge judge......' Well, don't. I have a great life. One that you, miss Perfect, could NEVER juggle.

I was hoping it would be a little smoother.....but, WARD o MINE, here it comes. I think we're about to get to know each other a little better. You asked for it :)

You've heard the phrase 'Less is more'. Well, I'm getting so exhausted with the ULTRA MORE Mons out there. The ones that think they have to overwhelm us all with their Testimony EVERY fast Sunday, and the ones that HAVE to sing louder than anybody else, the ones that always have something to say and never have anything to hear, the ones that do the looking and the glancing, the ones who FEEL like they needed to talk to you today, the ones that get INSPIRED all the time - to do things like turn left instead of right, or clean today instead of weed - and then break into a major spiritual reflection...... the ones that act like they can't be around you because you aren't the loudest singer/frequent testimony bearer/compulsive hand raiser/MORE MON, and they fear they might seem LESS by being friends with anything less than a MORE MON.

Well, I declare myself a 'LESS is More' mon.

Unleash the LESS MON.

Cause I'm too fat for REAL food.

And, I'm actually too cheap for REAL Slim fast.

I REALLY buy the Slim Rites.

Whatever. It's not like either of them will make me skinny anyway.

(please tell me they will.....please tell me they will.....)

my subconscious

Last night I had a dream that I was going to the “Primary” session of General Conference with the Young Women of my ward.  I was totally ticked off and bothered because all of my in-laws were in town (all men aside from my husband’s mother) and tagged along.  Not only were they tagging along / imposing on my bonding with the Young Women, but they were dilly-dallying in the back aisles of what I assume must have been the Conference Center (though it looked absolutely nothing like it) when they were supposed to be getting seated.  The nerve…

O . M . F . G . G .

Do you know how much happiness this show brings to my life?After this season starting to dry itself out in the beginning, it now has me salivating. I never wanted to be a couture-obsessed, Dom Perignon-sipping, morally-oblivious Upper-East sider so bad in my life.

I completely understand why mothers don't want their 16-year-olds watching this one. But do I really care?

minor adjustment...

Apparently there was some confusion with the previous post:

There is just WAY too much basketball on at my house for my taste. That is all.

it's madness, I tell you

You know, my sister used to brag about how happy she was that her husband is not into sports. I had forgotten that I was actually really, really jealous of that fact until this past week.

Are you a MOM?

What am I supposed to say when somebody I kinda know, who hasn't seen me forever, and who has NEVER bonded with me greets me like this...

'So are you back to work already, or do you still get to be a MOM?'...

....and says so in a completely intentional, self righteous, judgemental, holier than thou, disapproving way?

Since I don't know what I SHOULD have said, because deep down, and out on the surface for that matter, I am purely human, with little or no qualities that would classify me as better than any other human in ways relating to....whatever that is....I simply said...

'Yes, I'm ALREADY back at work, and have been for quite a while (because my baby is 2 months old, and I work in a commission only job, and last time I checked, people who have babies and work in commission only jobs, still have to pay their bills); and I'm pretty sure I am still a Mom, and have been the entire time. Even though I go to work.'

And, because I have obtained little or no demure and accepting behaviors in my short life, I am pretty sure I said it in a short, disdainful, snotty, curt, disrespectful way, and that I in no way allowed her a moment to apologize for what she quickly realized had just come out of her mouth. For after all, as I so rudely made clear, I had no idea that a working mother gave up her title of MOM the day she walked back out the door to provide for her family.

So, I guess we're even.

Tit for Tat.

I guess tomorrow, I work on tolerance.....glad it's tomorrow.

I'm so busy...blahdy blahdy blah...

There's a little something out there that I've been noticing lately. Since I took a little break from church that I like to call - 'The Holidays, 9 months pregnant, and the 2 month postpartum freebie,' I haven't been around 'the Mormons' a lot lately. (I call us all 'The Mormons' in reference to our cultural quirks).


So, now that I've been spending a little more time around 'the Mormons,' I've noticed this very strange phenomenon - all of these Women have a tenacious, ferocious, overpowering, and obnoxious way of making sure that everybody else knows 'How Busy' they are. I write it in quotations because I want you to picture me saying it while making the quotation hand gesture, because I have a really hard time swallowing this CLAIM everytime some Molly trys to bombard me with her 'Busy-ness.'


I think it's hilarious.


I also think it's completely ridiculous that women today have become so insecure with whatever it is that consumes their time, that they have begun this world wide competition over who does more, and who does what, and who can accomplish the most, and who can BE everything to EVERYONE. It's ludacris.

And, for that matter, when I hear what they are busy with I get really confused. Girls lunch, play dates, Girls night out, family parties, book clubs, gazillions of kids classes (karate, soccer, dance, gymnastics, piano, swimming - you name it, their kids do ALL OF IT), crocheting parties, SCENTSY parties, bow making parties, shopping excursions, photography groups, marathon training, exercising, meal freezing parties, house cleaning parties, local friends, old friends, MOM friends, SINGLE friends, Church friends, Non-member Friends....aren't all of these things OPTIONAL?

It's REALLY hard for me to sypathize with you, when you are choosing to bring all of thes 'obligations' on yourself. By the way.....they all sound like FUN to me, and it's hard for me to feel bad for you because your life is SO filled up with BUSY FUN, which doesn't really count as BUSY, just so you know. It's called partying ALL THE TIME.

I think you guys are lametards, and I'm bored with listening to why you are so busy, and how completely swamped you are with things that are totally FUN and you act like it's such a WORKLOAD. Just say no, and spare me the monologue about whatever it is that is filling up your time (actually, your ego with pride) - because I don't care. I am bored with you. I think you should just admit that you get to have a lot of fun, and stop acting like it's work, and you are so so so busy all the time. YOU ARE HAVING FUN.

The rest of us are working. Work is when you spend time doing things to aquire money to pay your bills and support your family. Please don't think that I don't equivocate raising children with working, because I totally do - it's a job that supports a family....see, that's what I said above....but I never saw no Girls night out support no family.....see where I'm going with this? Same thing goes for scentsy parties, girls lunches, and pilates class. Those things are just for fun - so don't complain to me about it.

Just tell me how much fun it is. Thats better. Because, truth be told, I know you aren't busier than ME. And you don't want to go there.

hee hee

Temptations

I REALLY

REALLY

REALLY

LOVE THESE!

...and blame them for my lack of weight loss.

online shopping

It usually gets me while I’m at work. 

Sitting at my desk, staring at the computer, hopelessly bored, not willing to search for something work-related to occupy my mind.

It’s like I don’t have complete control of my fingers, as in no time at all I am staring at nordtsrom.com – where all your dreams come true!

To make myself feel better, I start my online shopping perusing the various categories of the Sale section.  Opened: window after window of 4-inch heels, fancy embellished flats, sparkly sandals, “clearance” boot cut Citizens and skinny Sevens, pretty floral tops (they are all the hype this Spring), fabulous dresses I could never wear, and even some workout paraphernalia (you know, because I just know I’ll be better at working out if I have the right things to wear).

After I’ve sifted through the windows that no longer have my sizes available, I start really having fun.  J  Here is where I look at all of the things I could never afford (because that’s healthier, right?   then it’s not like I’ll actually buy them…).  The Jimmy Choos, Moschinos, and Salvatore Ferragamos, Nanette Lepore dresses, Valentino everything, L.A.M.B. everything (Gwen Stefani knows some shit, I’ll tell you what).  So many pretty things!

Now I’ve substantially depressed myself.  Absolutely nothing in my overflowing closet is soft enough, luxurious enough, trendy enough, or pretty enough.  Even the windows from my “previous searching” lack in every way in comparison to this high class shopping.

Alas, I know I paid off ‘X’ number of dollars on my card last month (which may or may not have been over its limit already), so that leaves ‘X’ amount available again!

Hell.  Why not get those 5-inch Jessica Simpson shoes?  I know my husband likes the similar ones I have already, so it’s not like he’ll be mad at me.  I would never buy three- and four-hundred dollar shoes!  Those are just fun to look at.

Gossip Girl is not ruining my perspective on fashion, sense of cost, and overall morale and priorities.

Feelin' Good.

The other day I almost french-kissed some woman at Ikea, who told me I looked good in my jeans. I guess I really like compliments.

Is it worth it?

There are some things that JUST AREN'T worth it.

falling asleep with your mascara
on

going to target without passing through the clearance
stuff

arguing with your toddler in public

and for that matter,
arguing with adults on blogs

trying to stay up to watch a movie....when
you have a newborn

taking the garbage out yourself in the
snow

trying to QUIT drinking COKE

Watching GOOD THINGS
UTAH

Storing clothes that USED to fit BEFORE I got
married

Letting your Bro-in law live with you. Some smells NEVER go
away.

Cancelling Cable. Worst decision EVER. Along with DVR :( BOO
HOO

Nursing in Public. Actually, I take that back. Sometimes I love
to torture people with this.

Reunions of any sort. I MUST say - these
are the WORST.

NOT bringing gum to CHURCH. (to share with
those stinky breathers).

Living life without
moisturizers.

Starting up a conversation with the FRIENDLY lady in
the pediatricians waiting room. (There's a story
there...)

Expecting to get your order right at any fast food
joint.

Hair extensions.

A vietnamese Manicure.
Did I just title it? hmmm

Using any sort of powder
detergents.

Letting your XM subscription
expire.

Trying to save money by using coupons.

Guilt
of all sorts.

What's NOT WORTH IT to you?

CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!!

Let’s just put aside the fact that you may or may not bug me anyway…  Let’s also put aside the fact that I don’t really care all that much about what you’re going to say…  And just for kicks, let’s put aside the fact that I’m being very honest here…

But I am definitely certain that I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to see, nor hear, what ever crap you’ve just decided to rip to shreds with your bicuspids.  I also would really rather be left out of that love triangle you’ve just created between said “crap”, those bicuspids, and your smacking, slurping lengua in there.

First of all, why do you not know that that is completely socially unacceptable?  I don’t care what family you came from, what city, what religion… any of it.  I’m pretty sure this one is across the board, buddy.  You don’t chew with your mouth open.  At all. 

Secondly, why do you have to smack, smack, SMACK amidst your usually-ridiculous dialogue?  Is it just too long of a wait to finish a sentence before Olympics-auditioning-hurling those chocolates down your throat?  Are you worried that I’ll take them from you – yes, ALL of them, because that’s how I am – and there won’t be any left for you to smack on?  Maybe I should note that not everyone eats like Joey Tribbiani while having a normal conversation.  Maybe you won’t be so concerned…

While we’re on the subject, why do you have to slurp your liquids?  Drinks, soups, milk from your morning’s cereal…  Here’s a novel idea – CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AROUND THE SPOON.  Yes, all the way.  No gaps for air in there.  Guess what?!!  It’s probably not going to make that lovely slurping sound!

So seriously, I just really wish that your relationship with you and your food could remain simply that.  Between YOU and your food.  I don’t mind one little bit seeing it before it makes its way to your dientes.  Hey, it’s possible I’m having the same thing (or may have even prepared it) and am getting ready to do the same…  But that’s where it ends.  I don’t look at mine beyond that point, and I sure as hell don’t want to see yours.  Or hear it.

Back-Handed Compliments?

I hate these.

The back-handed compliment.
You know, "What a great room! Too bad it will be torn apart in a few years." Or, "You're so awesome. Why aren't you married?"
Gee, you're right-- nice things are meant to be eaten on, climbed on, jumped on and drawn on. I don't know what I was thinking. And, maybe I'm not married because I'm really that selfish and picky and I've only broken heart after heart (no, I've never been hurt) along the way.
So, when someone tells me, "Cute haircut! I liked it better long... but it's cute." am I supposed to smile and say, "thanks"? I really don't know.
Oh well, this is the same person who told me (when I told them I was choosing to stay home after having a baby), "What a waste of an education."
Weird. I always thought my choice to be educated would enrich my life beyond just a job.
Guess not.

Mommy Blogger

I read a blog post a while back.......about a Mo Mo Mommy who blogs, who was expressing her concerns about blogging. I think it's really funny when people have nothing else to blog about except for their feelings about blogging.

And while this blog post is a contradiction in itself, since it is a blog post about blogging, I have decided that I should post it anyway due to the hilariousness of it's message.

I repeatedly see bloggers who post things on their blogs that have some of the following messages:

people who are expressing that they just have TOO many other blogs to read,

the obligation of having to comment on EVERYONE'S blog,

the pressure - oh the pressure - of updating their blog,

the guilt for not reading blogs on their list that they don't like to read anymore,

the time they HAVE to spend online, surfing blogs

the content of other peoples blog posts

the incessant pressure of COMPETITION with other Mo Mo Mommies thru blogging

The guilt for spending time away from children to blog

After spending some time in wonder, I ask 'When you begin to blog about blogging, is it time to admit to yourself that you MUST find more things to do?'

I honestly think that if you have the time to start worrying, or for heaven's sake, if you actually REALLY DO need to worry about any of those things...

IT'S TIME FOR A PERSONAL INTERVENTION!!

Jack

One might think that amidst a year’s hiatus, a DUI charge / conviction (with 30 days of jail time served), and a ridiculous writers’ strike – I wouldn’t be too interested in Day 7 of “24”.  Not so much.

My husband and I both (now that’s true devotion) had “appointments” set in our phones for last night’s season premiere.  I got so excited when the 15-minute reminder went off that I completely blew off going to my sister’s house, only to completely ignore my 2-year-old for two hours straight (she won’t remember that, right?).

While this season’s initial villain has me more than a little upset (seriously—don’t even get me started), I am dying to see where the story goes!!!  Loving newcomer, Agent Walker.  Jack needs a new hottie who knows how to handle a weapon in his life.  Can’t wait to see Chloe come back (everyone’s favorite social misfit).  And basically, things are never as they seem in the world of “24”, so anything can happen.

While this season technically is underway now, I won’t really be watching it for another couple of months.  We can’t stand commercials, for one, nor the week to week anticipation.  Come season finale time, you will find my family glued to the TV for about 5 days straight (that’s our season record—mind you, it’s literally 20 hours of Jack), during which we will be sleep-deprived, meal-skimping, treason-dreaming, Bauer-quoting, shower-neglecting, couch-sitting, neglectful parents…

…With one more fabulous season under our wings.  I kind of wish I were Jack Bauer.

STOP TORTURING ME with your MOLLY DECOR!!

I spent some time last week with an acquaintance. It wasn't time I chose to spend, it was time required and requested, and I accepted, not knowing I would be spending time with this certain acquaintance.....but alas, I found myself there, spending the time, and.....well, just read this....

The conversation was OK, and I was semi-engaged in it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was singled out, and addressed with 'YOU have to see what my friend gave me for Christmas, YOU would love it.'

With a semi-forced smile and the 'Oh really, what is it?' that was DUE, but not sincere, I responded.

Then I was HIT with this BRICK, and I was truly blown away with NO IDEA of how to respond in a polite way.

'She made me a PLAQUE for my living room that says 'Having Everything is Believing that you DO.' Please understand, it didn't end there. She went on about what a great saying it is, and that she loves it SO MUCH.

I just listened. I waited for the Nonsense to STOP. Then I said something like 'Isn't it awesome when your friends know you SO WELL? I'm glad you are excited about it.'

Yup. I had to say something like that. Why do people corner me with this kind of emotional bombardment? First, I HATE THAT CRAP!!! Seriously. I HATE IT! How am I supposed to act excited about this stuff? I despise it on principal.

I'm also totally PISSED that the saying excites her. Why? I don't know. It totally bugs me. Having Everything is Believing that you do? Why do the Women of our time play these kind of mind games with themselves? This is self-trickery. And, why does she want everything to the point that she has to start the mind games in the first place? Does she really want everything? To me, this thing is just a complaint....a whiny, housewife with a grudge that wants to pull it off as a Holier-than-thou sort of self denial program.

Is this some sort of Mormon culture thing that I've been blissfully unaware 0f?

Having everything means getting rid of the tacky decor with the Stupid A saying on it. Seriously CHICK, occupy your thoughts with something more meaningful......print that on a plaque and hang it in your living room!

I still feel tortured that I even had this experience...sometimes, I just don't want to talk to people about their chotchsky's. I don't have an interest in what you hang on your walls, but I can assure you, when it's stuff like this, your better off keeping your TASTE to yourself.

(Confession - I do have a plaque in my house.....it's in my Son's room......but it says 'WILD THING, I THINK I LOVE YOU!)