Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Caution: Do not use on eyes....

If you get really, really tired....
You might fall asleep with your makeup on....
Then you could find yourself the next morning waking up to a phone call...
walking into the bathroom, while on the wake up phone call....
and using nail polish remover to take off yesterdays eye makeup....
Only to find yourself screaming "I'm such a RETARD!!!" to the person on the phone that woke you up.....
And FLUSHing out your eyes repeatedly.....before finding the ACTUAL makeup remover.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


While my father-in-law was working on our car today, he came in from the garage asking if we had any petroleum jelly. "Nope." After a discouraged look, I asked what it was for, and if there was anything else that might do the job. He went on to explain, it was to help "one part slide into another part"... Yeah, I just gave my father-in-law a dollop of KY. The worst part, though, is that I acted like it didn't embarrass me in the least bit! Right. I should have just said I didn't have any...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Why do I feed off gossip?  I battle with the never-ending battle of whether or not to share it (the sharing is always more fun), I loooove hearing it, and I kind of thrive on persuading others to give it up.  (Whether or not they do is beside the point)  I just learned something very juicy at work, and it is definitely something I should not share with ANYONE in the workplace.  Just very unprofessional and outside my privileges.  Yet I find myself dying to tell someone (which means Ill probably just tell my husband, as he is completely removed from the situation).  I dont really understand why gossip entrances me so.  I really admire those who are beyond-a-doubt trustworthy individuals (my aforementioned husband included).  I like to think that when it comes down to it I am pretty trustworthy, too.  But, come on!  Who doesnt love just a little scandal?

Sunday, May 10, 2009



As opposed to MORE MON. (Mormon).

I can't take it anymore.

I love my faith, don't get me wrong. I'm just one of those people who should NOT be allowed in public. And yes, I am a contradiction in terms. I hate being judged and labeled. Now, please, read as I label and judge others.....

My ward has finally been split. Now we have 'permanent boundaries' and should be able to stay as we are without being grown into over 1000 people again. I was excited to have a regularly sized ward. I am glad that we have our new building open now, and that we can walk to church again.

It kinda sucks that SOME people are still in my ward though, and I lost my totally RAD visiting teacher. The only one I've had in 7 years. Sigh. And it Really sucks that I don't have a calling, and that I have to go to relief society. What's now 'my ward' is full of THAT kind of lady....the middle aged, ultra spiritual, singing, crying, testimony bearing, kind. You know what I mean. The whispering, glancing, labeling, and judging kind. The kind that say things to you like 'O, yes, I've heard you just had a baby, and that you work outside of the home...' hee hee hee. Like REGULAR, NORMAL people say things like that. Get a freakin day pass into the REAL WORLD lady.

It happened. It was last Sunday. Two Women. A whisper. A glance. And an invisible, silent, crass label was sent my direction....right into my eyes. Oops. They quickly looked back at each other....with the thought....'O dear, she saw us talking......about HER.' I honestly find it pretty humorous, and splendid to watch as it so predictably unfolds. It's like a celebration in stepford ignorance. I can hear the rest of what they said.....'I just feel so badly for her.....judge judge judge......' Well, don't. I have a great life. One that you, miss Perfect, could NEVER juggle.

I was hoping it would be a little smoother.....but, WARD o MINE, here it comes. I think we're about to get to know each other a little better. You asked for it :)

You've heard the phrase 'Less is more'. Well, I'm getting so exhausted with the ULTRA MORE Mons out there. The ones that think they have to overwhelm us all with their Testimony EVERY fast Sunday, and the ones that HAVE to sing louder than anybody else, the ones that always have something to say and never have anything to hear, the ones that do the looking and the glancing, the ones who FEEL like they needed to talk to you today, the ones that get INSPIRED all the time - to do things like turn left instead of right, or clean today instead of weed - and then break into a major spiritual reflection...... the ones that act like they can't be around you because you aren't the loudest singer/frequent testimony bearer/compulsive hand raiser/MORE MON, and they fear they might seem LESS by being friends with anything less than a MORE MON.

Well, I declare myself a 'LESS is More' mon.

Unleash the LESS MON.

Cause I'm too fat for REAL food.
And, I'm actually too cheap for REAL Slim fast.
I REALLY buy the Slim Rites.
Whatever. It's not like either of them will make me skinny anyway.
(please tell me they will.....please tell me they will.....)