CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!!

Let’s just put aside the fact that you may or may not bug me anyway…  Let’s also put aside the fact that I don’t really care all that much about what you’re going to say…  And just for kicks, let’s put aside the fact that I’m being very honest here…

But I am definitely certain that I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to see, nor hear, what ever crap you’ve just decided to rip to shreds with your bicuspids.  I also would really rather be left out of that love triangle you’ve just created between said “crap”, those bicuspids, and your smacking, slurping lengua in there.

First of all, why do you not know that that is completely socially unacceptable?  I don’t care what family you came from, what city, what religion… any of it.  I’m pretty sure this one is across the board, buddy.  You don’t chew with your mouth open.  At all. 

Secondly, why do you have to smack, smack, SMACK amidst your usually-ridiculous dialogue?  Is it just too long of a wait to finish a sentence before Olympics-auditioning-hurling those chocolates down your throat?  Are you worried that I’ll take them from you – yes, ALL of them, because that’s how I am – and there won’t be any left for you to smack on?  Maybe I should note that not everyone eats like Joey Tribbiani while having a normal conversation.  Maybe you won’t be so concerned…

While we’re on the subject, why do you have to slurp your liquids?  Drinks, soups, milk from your morning’s cereal…  Here’s a novel idea – CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AROUND THE SPOON.  Yes, all the way.  No gaps for air in there.  Guess what?!!  It’s probably not going to make that lovely slurping sound!

So seriously, I just really wish that your relationship with you and your food could remain simply that.  Between YOU and your food.  I don’t mind one little bit seeing it before it makes its way to your dientes.  Hey, it’s possible I’m having the same thing (or may have even prepared it) and am getting ready to do the same…  But that’s where it ends.  I don’t look at mine beyond that point, and I sure as hell don’t want to see yours.  Or hear it.